In dramatic a new measure to curb the tide of lawlessness sweeping across village cricket, the MCC today announced that any player found to have breached its code of conduct would have "AGAINST THE SPIRIT OF CRICKET" permanently tattooed on their forehead. It is hoped the proposal, set to be unveiled by Henry Blofeld and Iain Duncan Smith on Wednesday, will rectify current falling standards of behaviour, which have resulted in what the MCC termed "nasty unpleasantness" creeping into the game.
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The plans, which have been welcomed by people who believe pedophilia was invented by the internet, also found favour in some sections of the press. Writing in the Daily Telegraph, a relieved Scyld Berry said the move had come not a moment too soon: "It is a shame that all young people are such shits these days," he lamented. "But that is the situation we face and so I fully support the MCC's well thought out new stance."
A modified version of the system has already been trialed at the Under-19 World Cup, where West Indies bowler Keemo Paul had the inside of his eyelids tattooed with the words "Mankad Scum" so that, as the MCC put it, "his dreams will be forever haunted by visions of his bastard evil".