Warne calls for bigger bats for Australians

After another humiliating display from Australia in India, fresh-faced cadaver Shane Warne has said his nation's batsmen should be given bigger bats when touring the subcontinent. Following hot on the heels of Monday's Part IV of the Warnifesto, where the leg-spinning legend demanded larger stumps with Advanced Hair Studio toupees for bails, his latest installment calls for Phil Hughes and Glenn Maxwell to use "a willow the size of Liz's sex drive so they can deal with balls the way she does!!! LOLZ! #loveLiz."

Waxing lyrical: Warne admits to "losing his wick" with Cricket Australia 

"Here is a suggestion from left field that will help our guys," he wrote. "Why not give them bigger bats whenever they face slow bowlers in India? At present the game is so unfairly weighted towards their spinners because they're allowed to bowl at our batsmen that it's just not a good contest for spectators. Failing that, we could just build a shed around Phil Hughes when he walks to the wicket. I'd like to see Ashwin get past that!! LOLZ! #lovesheds." 

Warne also criticised captain Michael Clarke's controversial decision to declare on Xavier Doherty in the first innings, blaming it for the left-armer's poor display during India's turn in the middle: ""Nothing beats knowing the captain has faith in you and will back you, as Allan Border did with me when I started. It means a lot, eases your mindset and boosts your confidence. I like Pup, but leaving Xavier stranded just a hundred short of his maiden Test ton was bloody stupid!! LOLZ! #lovePuptho." 

Despite a mixed reaction to Warne's latest plan of action, one Australian cricket observer begrudgingly admitted it was "still ten times more sensible than anything John Inverarity's said in the last six months," although Australia's chairman of selectors himself was unavailable for comment as he was too busy scowling at the air and rotating his excuses or, as he put it, displaying "Informed Shambles Management."