Pietersen retires in protest at Nick Knight quota system

In a shock development, England batsman Kevin Pietersen today announced he would be retiring from ODIs and T20Is in protest at Sky Sports' controversial quota system in favour of Nick Knight. The broadcaster's positive discrimination scheme, which has seen the former Warwickshire opener prematurely elevated to the national commentary box ahead of white noise, has long been a source of dispute among England's South African contingent with Jonathan Trott recently being fined £3,000 by the ECB for Tweeting that he'd rather "suck Bob Willis's big toe than listen to the drivel that tit my mum fancies spouts".

Speaking from Chris Gayle's wallet, Pietersen explained why he had opted to give up the short forms of the international game: "This has not been an easy choice," he said whilst winking at a passing Dhaka Gladiators representative. "But in the end I decided that it would be best all round if there was a bit of a hullaballuh which enabled me to skip the inevitable 6-1 ODI defeat in India next year before returning to the side to the surprise of no one. Certainly as far as T20 goes, I was simply not prepared to be captained by a blond-haired, pretty boy prima donna like Stuart Broad and my county skipper at Surrey, Rory Hamilton-Brown, has been fully supportive of my decision."

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Pausing only to ask, "Don't policemen look young, nowadays?" and witter that there was far too much swearing on TV, Pietersen vigoriously denied accusations his claim that his aged body's inability to put up with the punishing global cricket schedule was just a smokescreen for a financial ulterior motive. "I'm 31, you know, dear," he told journalists whilst tattooing a Pepsi logo onto his new colostomy bag.

Due to a previous commitment working out how on earth Alastair Cook could be passed off as a convincing ODI opener without Pietersen next to him, England coach Andy Flower was unavailable for comment but an ECB source speaking on condition of anonymity was prepared to discuss the matter: "Yeah, we'll give it twelve months. Eighteen tops," he said. "Let's face it, in the past we've basically treated KP the way a necrophiliac treats a cadaver and he's been happy to come back so, to be honest, we're pretty sure he'll be back."

In other news, England hopeful and potential Pietersen replacement, James Taylor, scored a dashing century for Nottinghamshire during which Knight probably noted he was "quite diminuative" before Michael Atherton gave him one of those looks.