Looking to further bolster electoral popularity following on from their by-election victory on Thursday, Ukip today moved to firm up support within the British Asian community by stating their official policy on last summer's booing of "sort of" English cricketer, Moeen Ali, was one of "horror and delight."
Mark Sendhambach, deputy leader of the party and nauseatingly self-satisfied prick, elaborated on the stance: "The booing of Moeen was born of an immensely complex set of circumstances involving the nature of Britishness, colonialism, race and immigration. As the most unnuanced and thick as pigshit group of people on earth, we feel we are best-placed to sort it all out. So we condemn outright the darki...sorry, can't say that these days....we condemn outright the 'British' Asians who were booing that other darki...sorry, ha, my mistake....booing that other British Asian, yet applaud the refusal to bow to political correctness of those foreigners who booed that other foreigner. Let's be honest, if none of them were here we wouldn't have this problem. Or that funny smell you get from their houses. Know what I mean? I love a curry. But you know what I mean? It is a bit, y'know?"
Wading into the debate, popular Wigan FC chairman, Dave Whelan, said that he was equally torn because he had "thousands of friends with those big beards like those funny fuzzy ones they all have" but that "no one chases totals like those Indians". A joint statement from Labour and the Conservatives was unambiguous in its shite cowardice: "We'd rather not comment, to be honest, because our strategy of not facing down outright prejudice dressed up as legitimate grievances and allowing racism to dominate the British political agenda is working incredibly well for both of us." A spokesman for those Indian fans who booed Ali last summer said, "Yeah, Farage is a bit of a fuckwit. We'll probably have a think about things."
Meanwhile, a Sky correspondent stationed close to Basil D'Oliveira's grave reported "a strong element of turning", whilst large swathes of British people with an iota of global awareness and sense of history just shot themselves in the head out of utter fucking despair. Enoch Powell was unavailable for comment.