Talking perineum with a pint Nigel Farage today called for England to withdraw from the International Cricket Council. Speaking after his nation's disappointing World Cup exit, the UKIP leader stated that the only way to get the England cricket team back to its former greatness was to "regain control of our boundaries and be allowed to choose exactly who we want to play against."
Speaking from The White Lion in a slightly dispossessed community ripe for spreading contrived hatred, Farage explained his plan thus:
"For too long, we've just sat back and allowed the ICC to impose rules upon us. Only four men outside the circle when Stuart Broad's bowling, foreign batsmen claiming the benefits of the power play while honest English players go without runs, these are just yet two more examples of our cricket team's sovereignty being trampled underfoot. By making us accept games against the likes of Australia and New Zealand, the bureaucrats in Dubai have made us a laughing stock."
A UKIP spokesman later clarified that Farage would welcome a points-based approach to selecting the teams allowed into England to play against Peter Moores's men: "Instead of this blanket rule whereby we are duty bound to take in any old foreigners with full Test membership of the ICC who will doubtless come over and abuse our hospitality, what we'd like to see is a system where the ECB can choose teams with the skill set which will most benefit the England side. People say we're racist bigots, but how can that be so when under our new diverse framework there'd be a two-Test series against the Vatican City followed by a triangular ODI competition featuring Alaska and Madagascar?"
ECB managing director Paul Downton, however, played down the furore over Farage's call, saying he and Giles Clarke had already been working on something "very similar".